10 things from my childhood I wish my children could experience

1. Mr. Rogers after school. I still have a soft spot for zippered sweaters. I'll never forget the wonder I felt when I realized "he knows I'm afraid of falling down the drain!"
2. Ding Dongs in tinfoil. Oh wait! They have these again! It's so much more fun to unwrap a yummy chocolate treat in tinfoil than to rip open plastic.
3. Movie re-runs. Remember when the great movies would come around to the theater again the next summer? I saw most movies this way because my parents couldn't afford to take us to the full price run.
4. Coming home when the street-lights went on. We left the house in the morning and came home in the evening. The middle was filled with running through sprinkelers, riding bikes, and Italian ices from the general store, and most importantly, no adult supervision.
5. Phones with long cords. Bouncy, swirly, strechy, and you always knew where it was because it never left the kitchen wall.
6. Banana bike seats. We could fit three people on those!
7. Roller skates. I hear these might be making a comeback. I put mine on the last day of school and didn't take them off the whole summer.
8. Summers on Grandpa's farm. Whose Grandpa has a farm anymore?
9. Beach day. Once a week we'd go to the beach with friends. I would so do this if we lived anywhere near a beach. We don't, so no beach days for us.
10. Toy catalogues. We used to spend hours pouring over these wishing for things. Now everything is online, which isn't the same as hiding the catalogue under your bathrobe and sneaking it into your room to look over with your sister.

The Art of the Grudge

Holding a grudge is an art that can be perfected over time. You have to work at it. Don't try more than one grudge at the beginning. Just start with one resentment and let it fester over time.Nurse it and mull over it. Hold it in your mouth and let it slide over your tongue. It will be bitter at first, but you'll get used to the taste. If you feel it fading, list in your mind all the reasons why you've been treated unjustly. Gain moral support by telling as many of your friends and family about the object of your grudge and what a terrible person s/he is. DO NOT under any circumstances actually confront the grudgee. If you are called upon to say aloud to that person all the reasons they have wronged you, you may get confounded and feel like you're reasoning is unsound. No, it's much better to talk behind their backs.

Once you've successfully held on to that grudge for a month or more, you can start adding other grudges--maybe the grudgee's friends or family. Grudging against children is especially easy and can be good practice. They will feel your resentment, but not be able to connect it to their parents. Teenage girls, however, are natural grudge holders, so be aware that your wrath may be turned around back on you.

Contrary to popular belief, you should start with a big resentment--something that makes you boil when you think of it. This will be easier to keep going at first. But with practice you will be able to take the tiniest of slights and turn them into a monster grudge. Remember, practice makes perfect! Ready, get set, resent!

Why watching TV is not bad for me

1. It gives me something to look forward to in my sad, sad life.
2. It does not talk back.
3. It demands nothing of me but my time and some of my attention. (I like to multi-task. I'm even watching while I'm blogging!)
4. It completely takes my mind off of how much I hate exercising. It's a crutch, but I would never exercise without it.
5. Where else am I going to get my fashion fix? Certainly not at work!
6. Pop culture was very important to my former boss and I spent much of my time IMDBing actors for him. "What was the name of that guy who was in that movie about the thing with the Greeks?" (Zero Mostel in "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum." And they were Romans, but I knew what he meant after about 100 questions like that. Sigh.)
7. I would have no idea who any of the people in People Magazine are. Although some of them I wish I knew nothing about.

Why People Lie

I wonder about this a lot. I'm not talking about the "I love your new haircut!" lie or the "I'm sure he'll call you back" stuff. I'm talking about the big lies--the "I did not have sex with that woman" lies, the "I am not a crook" lies, the "check is in the mail" fibs. People always get caught, so why even tell them? People will forgive almost anything, but they won't forgive being lied to.

A lie, says "you're stupid." Liars by definition think they are smarter and better than everyone--that they deserve more than they are getting, which is why I think America abhors them so much. But is it arrogance, or just stupidity that makes them think they'll get away with it? Or both? Maybe immaturity? It's puzzling to me.

Occasionally at a previous job, I got to confront liars with the proof of their duplicity. It's very satisfying. But the most common emotion that they displayed when I told them we knew they were lying was relief. I think this is because they are not practiced liars and the burden of telling the lie is too great. But the professional liars, they smile, as if it's some secret joke. They are enjoying the lie, even though they've been caught.

I miss that job. I got to use my brain. And I'm very good at catching liars--ask my ex-boyfriends.

Just exactly why is my job so bad?

As my colleague lamented this morning, our jobs could be completely replaced by an automated e-mail response that says "learn to Google you dummy!" It's what we wish we could say to people. But sadly, the customer is always right and therefore we must waste spend time carefully crafting responses to people who are either too lazy or too incompetent to use a search engine. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually had power, or felt like I was helping someone. At least in Julie & Julia Amy Adams was helping the families of 9/11 victims. I can make no such claim and I have no power--at all. It's one of those stupid, make-work jobs that only exist in over-developed countries with too much money and an odd idea of customer service. It's turning me into a subversive sabatoeur. The worst part is that we're supposed to make problems go away without actually solving them or apologizing--heaven forbid someone should admit responsibility, or guilt!

My only joy is dreaming about the day when I get to walk out in a year when my husband's job transfers him somewhere else. I have a ticker in excel that counts  down the seconds I have left. I've moved on from staplers to three-hole punches. Every single one in the office is now in my book-shelf. When someone needs one, they'll come looking, but it's been days and so far, no one has asked, "where's the 3 hole punch?" I also find ways to apologize. Today, I even wrote "I'm so sorry" in an e-mail. I may get fired for it, but I'm sick of saying "we regret that you are having trouble with. . ."

Oh, and I forgot to mention that my boss is the devil, AND does not wear Prada. The Vogue clothes closet would make this job a lot more bearable. Sadly, the only swag I ever got is a Chinese Opera mask pencil holder. I could write an opera about how bad my job is. My only question is would it be a comedy, or a tragedy?